I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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