Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
