Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
