Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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