He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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