Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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