I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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