I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize