I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
