If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
