Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
