I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
