Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
