Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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