the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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