Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
