I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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