I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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