I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
