it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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