I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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