Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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