I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
