i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
