When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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