Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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