Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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