can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
