i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
