She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
