I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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