Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
