none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
