Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
