so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Randomize