I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
