We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
