Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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