I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
