Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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