Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
