Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
