Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
