OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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