omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
