Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
