When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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