He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
