I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
