I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize