He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
my poor anus
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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