Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
