My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
