They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
