My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
my poor anus
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
