I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You're a waste of cheezeits
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
