just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
