i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
