what day is it and did you see me today?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You pole danced in your parka.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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