I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Randomize
