Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize