My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
