His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
