well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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