my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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