My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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