he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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