I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
