he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
