the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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