The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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